Friday, June 4, 2010

When to Introduce Your New Man in Your Life to Your Children?

I am a single mother who has faced the decision whether or not to introduce my son to the person I am dating. I have introduced my son to only one person that I have dated since my divorce, more than four years ago. It was my first semi-relationship I had as a single mother, and I made an error in judgment by introducing my son to the person I was dating.

I haven’t made that mistake again in more than three years. I introduced my son to him at the same time I was also getting to know this person - big mistake. This is one of the worst things a single mother can do because it is irresponsible to have your child get attached to a person that may or may not be in his or her life for a short period of time. Some men try to get close to the child in order to get closer to the mother.

Their logic is if they can get in good with the child then it’s a sure thing with the mom, not! Unfortunately, there isn’t a magical length of time to determine when you should introduce your child to your new love, but there is something called “good judgment.” If you have been dating someone for two or three months and he hasn’t asked any questions about your child(ren) or if he has children and he never talks about them, then that’s a pretty significant sign that he doesn’t view children as a priority or being important when it comes to building a relationship with a single mother.

However, if your new love constantly include your child(ren) in your conversations or ask to meet your child(ren) and you know he is sincere then that’s a good sign. This is a sign that he views children as being an important part to a successful relationship when it comes to dating a single mother.

So when do you think it is appropriate for a single mother to introduce her child to the new man in her life? Here is what a few of you had to say:

Ayinda from Collingdale, PA: “Three months, if she is certain that the relationship is serious.”

Terrell from Macon, GA “I once dated a young lady who introduced me to her son about a month after I met her. I didn’t think much about it. Well, her little boy instantly attached, and when things didn’t work out with me and his mother we both felt awkward because her son would make her call me even when we weren’t suppose to be talking. I think both of us felt a sense if guilt. So, I think you should make sure that the person will be around for a while before you introduce them to your children. Communication is the key I guess!”

Double D from Phila., PA: “First, let’s make the distinction between introducing your child and having someone being involved with your child. You can merely introduce your child to a first date. Involvement with a child is more significant the child is getting to know and or like the person and forming a bond and a connection with this person. And in my opinion, the only time a woman should do that with her child is when she believes or have some information, such as an engagement, that would lead her to believe the relationship is for life or at least for a very long term. Otherwise your child will be going through every break up that you go through.”

Sam from Phila., PA, “I don't think you can place a hard and fast number of dates that needs to be adhered, i.e. after the 3rd, 4th, etc, date. I think it needs to be based on the woman's feelings and conclusions she is drawing on the new boyfriend from the time they've spent together. Have they spoken about kids? What are his thoughts about children? Does he already have kids? What kind of disposition does he have? These are just a few of the questions a women needs to be considering. It's really all based on how she feels about him and the kind of person he is.”

J.R. from Los Angeles, CA: "My experience is with my ex wife who had 2 kids when I married her. I met her kids after a month of dating. I think a person can meet the kids once you''ve established relationship parameters with your significant other and the person should be introduced to the kids as a friend"

Dione, a single father from Lawrenceville, GA, said: “I guess the answer to your question is this: I do not see a reason for any woman to meet my children, unless we are looking at embarking on a long term relationship and possibly marriage. As a responsible adult, your actions are viewed and noted by those who emulate you, your children. Your actions act as their moral compass for when you are not there to answer questions. They will rely on what they have been exposed to in their past. I hold myself accountable for the type of people my children develop into."

As parents, we can guide and direct up to a point. if we have done our part, our children stand a better chance of stable moral and ethical base from which to make sound decisions.” I highly recommend holding off introducing your child(ren) to the new man in your life until you are sure that this man will be in your life for a long time and is marriage material. If not, you will only set your child(ren) up for disappointment. If you know this is not a person you want to be in a relationship with or have a future with then leave the children out of it.

Basically keep it simple, don’t complicate things by getting the child(ren) involved. Children are very impressionable and very trusting so if you’re not sure the person you are dating is the “one” then don’t introduce your child(ren) to him until you know he is the “one”. And if he is not the “one”, then you saved your child(ren) disappointment and you can put your mind at ease knowing you didn’t make an error in judgment by introducing your child(ren) to this person who is no longer in your life.

Food for thought. I'm just saying!!


  1. C Dub R! once again you hit the nail on the head with this very serious topic!

  2. Karla Tusson:

    good article Nellie!

  3. Dedan Tolbert:

    likes this.

  4. Terrell Phinazee:
    Very nice article....Good job! Thanks for introducing me to your site. I'll be checking you out on the regular.