The First Date Jitters- Do’s and Don’ts

It really doesn’t matter if you are 21, 31, 51 we all have first date jitters. We all run through the gamete of emotions; excitement; nervousness, and ambiguity when it comes to the first date. Why, because no one really knows what to expect from a first date. It’s as if we become obsessed with the unknown, will we have anything in common, will we click, will he bore me, and how can I cut the date short if I don’t like him? These are all of the questions that run through our heads right before that first date.


Well here are a few things that you should and shouldn’t do on a first date. First, relax. Keep in mind that this is “only” a date, not a job interview. You do not have to bring your resume or three references with you on the date. Besides, something had to attract you to this person in the first place or you wouldn’t have accepted the invitation for a date, not unless it is a bind date, and even so, the same rules apply.

Try to have fun even if there isn’t a love connection. This is still a leisure activity that you planned, so make the best of it. The person may not be your soul mate but he or she could turn out to be a very good friend. Give it a chance. Don’t cut the person off right away if there isn’t an instant attraction to this person. Some of the best and longest marriages have derived from great friendships.

Go on the date with an open-mind. Do not go on the date with a negative attitude. Don’t look for reasons or make up reasons not to like this person without getting to know the person . Some of us can self-sabotage our own happiness because we are too afraid of being happy or worst, the unknown.

Try to plan an activity that you enjoy; biking, bowling, or dancing just in case the person is not what you expected, at least you can still enjoy the activity of the date. Remember in some cases dating is like shopping, sometimes you have to keep looking until you find what you like and sometimes you won’t find it in the first store that you go into, but you still want your shopping experience to be a good one.

Now here are some of the “don’ts” on the first date. Never ever bring up previous relationships, especially ones that ended badly or ones that you are still not over yet. This will send up a red flag to the other person and this is a sure way to get the other person running in the opposite direction fast! Try to stick to basic subjects and try your best not to bring up heated debatable subjects such as religion, ex spouses, previous relationships, or politics.

Don’t interrogate the person on the first date. Don’t throw a barrage of questions at the person all at once. Don’t ask about financial status, credit report, or if the person have a criminal record. Are these all important topics? Yes, but are they necessary questions to ask on the first date? No. Again, remember this is a first date not a police interrogation room and you are not a detective. You are here to get to know the person in general. These are questions to ask once there is a mutual interest and you both have decided that this is something that you want to pursue.

Don’t offer your family plans on the first date, this may scare the other person away. He or she may think that you are ready to get married tomorrow. Try to keep the conversation light, such as what kind of activities you like, movies, foods and things that make you smile. Try not to monopolize the conversation either. Ask the other person questions about them, don’t hog the spotlight.

If you follow these basic rules I guarantee you that you will have a decent date at the least. Remember you are on the date to get to know the person, but in very general terms, no need to over think it. Just go into it with an open mind and don’t put expectations on the other person or yourself. But most of all try to have fun!

I’m just saying!

C Double R!

No You Can’t Date My Momma: When Grown Kids Live at Home and Interfere with Your Dating!

This is something I hope I never have to experience because I have heard nightmares in regards to this issue. Ladies have you ever had to end a relationship because of your kids? No, I am not talking about minor age children, but because of your grown ass adult still living at home kids? Can we say “Baby Boy” situation?


I think this situation is harder for sons than it is for daughters, especially when they have been called “The Man of the House” for so long. They tend to feel like the new boyfriend is trying to take over the role as “The Man of the House” and most sons don’t take too kindly to this, so they will try to throw a monkey wrench in your program.

Now don’t get me wrong, not all sons do this for selfish reasons, sometimes they do it for very good reasons. Most men can recognize game when they see it and the vision is ten times stronger when it comes to their Mommas, believe that! Don’t any child (son or daughter) want their momma to be played by no man, especially if they can see it coming from a mile away.

But the question is does the child have a right to steal your happiness or perceived happiness away from you? Yes, he/she may have good intentions (in some cases) but ultimately shouldn’t it be your decision who and who not to date? Just like we tell our kids, sometimes you have to live the mistake in order to learn from the mistake.

However, if your child knows that you are dealing with a straight up loser or a playa then in that case I think the child not only have the right, but an obligation to let you know. However, letting your mother know and telling your mom who she can and cannot date is something completely different. Because just like in any other scenario, you can only lead the horse to the water, you can’t force them to drink it, not unless they are thirsty.

So the bottom line is this, should you stop dating someone just because your grown ass kid that still lives at home tells you not to? Well, it all depends, if the child is doing it for the right reason and can prove what they are saying is true, it is still your choice to make, but when it doesn’t work out you can’t say you weren’t forewarned. Now if you know your child is interfering just because they don’t want you to date and just don’t like the dude you are dating then I say hell to the no! If your grown ass still living at home child doesn’t like the man you are dating, but you do, then they can do one of two things; shut the hell up, be respectful and deal with it because their grown ass shouldn’t be there anyway or they could pack their stuff up and move out!

I’m just saying…

C Double R!

Double Standards!!!!!

Why is it that a man can sleep around with a bunch of women and be called “The Man”, but when a woman does it she is called a “Ho”? Why is it when a man is in charge or the boss he is called the “HNIC” but when the woman is in charge she is called “The Bitch”? Why is it that when a man handles his business he is looked at as a good catch, but when a woman is doing her own thang and handling her business she’s looked at as “She thinks she’s the man that’s why she doesn’t have one!” Why? Why? Why?


Now far as the sleeping around thang, I get that. But it’s amazing that men want to sleep with these kind of women, but don’t want to marry these kind of women. But when a women marries this kind of man they think they have done the impossible, tamed the untamable beast? So women, take heed! I agree with Steve Harvey, “Act Like a Lady, But Think Like a Man!!” I had a very intelligence brother once tell me he doesn’t want easy sex, he doesn’t want what every other dude can get. He wants a woman who makes him work hard for it.

But far as the boss lady and the independent woman goes, what’s up with that? We work just as hard, if not harder than a man to get our titles and our possessions so why can’t we get the same kind of respect?

Why is it that a man doesn’t want to commit to a relationship, but wants you to commit to him? I’m just saying. Why is it that a man doesn’t want to take care of a woman, but feel inferior when she can take care of herself? Why is it that a man wants a woman to take charge in the bedroom, but not in the boardroom? Welllllll… Or here’s the killer, a man can have five kids by five different women, but look down on women who have more than one baby father? WTF???

I have my own opinions on this but I need the Fellas to talk to a sista?????????????????????

C Double R

Never Let Them See You Sweat!!

Ladies, I know at times it is very hard for us to hold our tongue. Especially when you know someone is pushing all of the right buttons to make you lose your cool, and they know it. Unfortunately, most times than not, we fall for the bait and prove their point. Yes, I too, have been guilty of this. But the older and wiser I get I realize when we respond in the opposite manner than what they are expecting this really messes them up in the head! At this point they are shook and don’t have a comeback because they only prepared their speech or their reactions for an angry, ignorant person not a smart, cool-minded person.


Just remember once you lose your control you give the other person the power. I have been told by numerous people that I am emotionless or have an “I don’t care attitude”, but the truth of the matter is I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve. If you have defeated me, gotten the best of me, or hurt me, nine times out of ten you would never know. I have learned to take “It is what it” attitude. If it is something or someone I can’t change, why bother? The bottom line is, “I don’t stress and won’t digress so I can be about of someone else’s mess.”

The other benefit is sometimes the whole situation can become very amusing, and at the other’s expense. Because in most cases, the calmer you get, the madder they get, then they really look like a jackass! If you don’t believe me, try it yourself. If you run across a person who calls themselves putting you on blast or telling you off, just remain calm and respond and a nonchalant manner and check out their reaction, PRICELESS.

Just to my ladies, we as black woman, unfortunately have earned the stereotype as having the “Angry Black Woman’s Syndrome” and unfortunately, sometimes we live up to this stereotype and in most cases rightly so. But I will say this to my ladies, I know it can be very hard to restraint our tongues from saying some very harsh things, but if we could just use this reaction as a last resort or no resort at all I guarantee you that we would see a better outcome of the situation. However, I must say sometimes people leave you no choice but to bring out the “Angry Black Woman’s Syndrome” on that ass. But if you have to use it, ladies please use it wisely.

I’m just saying.

C Double R!

Why Are You Single, If You're Not Gay?

Women, have you ever met that mature decent brother who has a good job, own place, no kids (or take care of his kids), and nice car, but has never been married? Doesn’t it make you wonder why this guy is single? He has all of the qualities that most women look for in a man and he’s easy on the eyes. First, let me say NO HE’S NOT GAY! Unfortunately, men who fit this category are usually simply set in their ways and have grown accustomed to being alone.


It’s almost like a single woman finding out she is pregnant in her late forties, she has to evaluate and decide if she is willing to give up “herself” and her “lifestyle” to prepare for motherhood. Men feel the same way when it comes to settling down after being single for so many years.

Most single men love their “space” especially after they have had it for so long. This would be a life changing decision because he would have to go from a “me” man to a “we” man and most mature men are not willing to do that.

I have a friend who fits this description, good job, homeowner and nice looking in his mid forties and he has never been married and doesn’t have any children, and no he is not gay! So of course you know I had to ask the question, “Why are you single”? He basically said because he doesn’t want to give up his space. He said he loves coming home not answering to anyone, not dealing with someone when he doesn’t feel like it, and doesn’t feel like “changing” at this stage and age in his life.

Most mature men fear they will lose themselves or what they have grown accustomed to if they decide to engage in a serious relationship or marriage with a woman. I do have to agree to a certain degree because most women are needy and demand attention and unfortunately, this deter most mature single men from wanting to be in a relationship, they see it as too much work and too much to give up.

Have women become so needy that it has caused men, especially good men, to not even bother with us? Is it such a chore and “job” to be in a relationship today, especially with a black woman? Most men don’t understand that it’s in a woman’s make-up to be a nurturer and caregiver. We want to nurture our men the same way we nurture our children. We want to provide you with support because we believe in you, not because we want you to push us away.

So men this is just something to think about the very next time you decide you rather have your freedom as oppose to a good woman standing by your side supporting you and loving you. Because your "space" and "freedom" can’t take care of you when you are sick and support you when you deserve it the least or hug you when you need it the most.

I’m just saying.

C Double R!

Ladies, Ladies Please Read the Lyrics to Statistics by Lyfe Jennings!!

I love the new Lyfe Jennings song. This is for my ladies please check out the words and adhere to them!!

Statistics Lyrics – Lyfe Jennings

Alright alright alright yall settle down settle down settle down.

If you don't know where you are this is STATISTICS 101

and I'm your teacher LYFE JENNINGS in the flesh baby.

Books out. Let's go!

CHORUS

25% of all men are unstable


25% of all men can't be faithful


30% of them don't mean what they say


and 10% of them remaining 20 is gay

That leaves you a 10% chance of ever finding your man


That means you *better* *pay* attention to these words that I *say*


I'm gonna teach you how expose the 90%


and show you what to do to keep the other 10.

RULE #1

Don't be a booty call

If he don't respect you girl he gone forget you girl


*RULE* 2


If he's in a relationship


If he will cheat on her that means he will cheat on you


RULE 3

Tell him that you're celibate


And if he wants some of your goodies he *gone* have to work for it

RULE 4


Be the person you wanna find

Don't be a nickel out here lookin' for a dime

STATISTICS!

15% of all men got a complex


15% of all men don't practice safe sex

20% of them come from homes without a father

so there's a 50/50 chance that you'll marry a coward

Something to think about when you're taking a shower

Something to swallow when *you* drink ya bottled water

I'm gonna teach you how to expose the 90%


And show you what to do to keep the other 10

REPEAT CHORUS

Be patient! He's waiting!

You don't gotta settle for that


Leave all that stress alone!


Get you a backbone!

Stop being *sorry for* yourself!


Have you no (checklist)?

It's gonna take (patience)

Time is still (wastin')


Click on the link to see the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFH-VwT4s0E

C Double R! Live on The Dedan Tolbert Show explaining the Three Stages of Men!

If you missed this hot topic show " The Three Stages of a Man According to C Double R!" please click the link and listen to C Double R! keeping it real on The Dedan Tolbert Show!


http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dedantolbert/2010/06/10/the-dedan-tolbert-show-weeknights-at-900pm-est

The Three Stages of a Man According to C Double R!

First let me put this disclaimer out there, this is solely my opinion based on my experiences and observations of men. My Masters Degree is in Organizational Leadership not Psychology, however, I do believe after reading this article most, if not all, of you will agree that I make some very valid points when it comes to the Three Stages of a Man in regards to relationships.


I believe there are three stages that a man could possibly go through when it comes to relationships. Those stages are Player Stage, Metamorphosis Stage and Ready to Settle Down Stage. However, let me premise this by saying that all men do not reach or complete all three stages. It’s very similar to Freud’s Psychosexual Stages of Development for a child. Everyone knows that there are five stages to Freud’s Psychosexual Stages of Development; oral, anal, phallic, latency and genital stages. However, some children never complete all five stages, same with my theory when it comes to the three stages that men can possibly go through when it comes to relationships.

The first stage is the Player Stage. This is the stage where basically the man is “just doing him”. He is dating numerous women simultaneously, lying, cheating, and doing whatever he can to keep the sex flowing. I believe most men have gone through this stage at one point or another in their life. This stage usually occurs when a young man initially starts dating and unfortunately this stage can last for an entire life time for some men. I know men in their forties who are still in the Player Stage when it comes to relationship.

This can also be a very dangerous stage because most men are reckless in this stage. Reckless in the sense where they are not properly protecting themselves sexually or reckless with their lies, which can result in numerous children, sexually transmitted diseases and/or a lot of hurt women. And we all know hell has no fury like a woman scorn, so men beware of the women you date in this stage because some of you might not make it to the next stage if you happen to “cross” the wrong woman.

The second stage is the Metamorphosis Stage. This is the stage that most men reach once they are tired of juggling different women and is ready to settle down or they have been hurt or have hurt the woman that they truly loved. This is the stage of reflection. This is the stage where the man is ready to get serious with his life when it comes to having a relationship with a woman. He goes through a cleansing stage. In this stage he may practice abstinence and focus on his inner self before he decides to engage in a serious relationship with a woman. I call it the Metamorphosis Stage because this is the “crossing over” stage. This is the stage where the man is trying to get to the other side, which is the Settling Down Stage.

Unfortunately, this could be a good and a bad thing for the woman who is in this man’s life at this stage. It’s a good thing because usually in this stage the man is very honest, sometimes brutally honest, to the women that he does meet while he is in this stage. Most women love and can respect an honest man. It’s bad because the woman will never really know if this man can and will ever crossover to the other side. It’s almost as if the man is in limbo and the woman is actually taking a gamble on this man, hoping and praying that he does reach the other side. Because at this point she doesn’t know just like the man doesn’t know if he will ever crossover to the Settling Down Stage.

The Final stage is the Settling Down Stage. This is the stage that every woman wishes she could meet her man in, but unfortunately, some men never peak to this stage. This is the stage where the man has gotten all of the playerism out of his system, had time to reflect and learn from his previous actions and now has positioned and prepared himself to be in a commitment relationship.

Unfortunately, just like some men never leave the Player Stage or the Metamorphosis Stage, some men never reach the Settling Down stage and this includes married men too! Oh yes, a man can be married but can still be in the Player Stage or in the Metamorphosis Stage, unbeknownst to his wife. In the ideal world we all want to meet “the right” guy in the Settling Down Stage but that’s just not reality.

I believe, we as women, know what stage a man is in when we meet him we just don’t want to acknowledge it. So I will leave you with this you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. If it doesn't sound or feel right, nine times out of ten it isn’t.

I’m just saying!



C Double R!

When to Introduce Your New Man in Your Life to Your Children?

I am a single mother who has faced the decision whether or not to introduce my son to the person I am dating. I have introduced my son to only one person that I have dated since my divorce, more than four years ago. It was my first semi-relationship I had as a single mother, and I made an error in judgment by introducing my son to the person I was dating.

I haven’t made that mistake again in more than three years. I introduced my son to him at the same time I was also getting to know this person - big mistake. This is one of the worst things a single mother can do because it is irresponsible to have your child get attached to a person that may or may not be in his or her life for a short period of time. Some men try to get close to the child in order to get closer to the mother.

Their logic is if they can get in good with the child then it’s a sure thing with the mom, not! Unfortunately, there isn’t a magical length of time to determine when you should introduce your child to your new love, but there is something called “good judgment.” If you have been dating someone for two or three months and he hasn’t asked any questions about your child(ren) or if he has children and he never talks about them, then that’s a pretty significant sign that he doesn’t view children as a priority or being important when it comes to building a relationship with a single mother.

However, if your new love constantly include your child(ren) in your conversations or ask to meet your child(ren) and you know he is sincere then that’s a good sign. This is a sign that he views children as being an important part to a successful relationship when it comes to dating a single mother.

So when do you think it is appropriate for a single mother to introduce her child to the new man in her life? Here is what a few of you had to say:

Ayinda from Collingdale, PA: “Three months, if she is certain that the relationship is serious.”

Terrell from Macon, GA “I once dated a young lady who introduced me to her son about a month after I met her. I didn’t think much about it. Well, her little boy instantly attached, and when things didn’t work out with me and his mother we both felt awkward because her son would make her call me even when we weren’t suppose to be talking. I think both of us felt a sense if guilt. So, I think you should make sure that the person will be around for a while before you introduce them to your children. Communication is the key I guess!”

Double D from Phila., PA: “First, let’s make the distinction between introducing your child and having someone being involved with your child. You can merely introduce your child to a first date. Involvement with a child is more significant the child is getting to know and or like the person and forming a bond and a connection with this person. And in my opinion, the only time a woman should do that with her child is when she believes or have some information, such as an engagement, that would lead her to believe the relationship is for life or at least for a very long term. Otherwise your child will be going through every break up that you go through.”

Sam from Phila., PA, “I don't think you can place a hard and fast number of dates that needs to be adhered, i.e. after the 3rd, 4th, etc, date. I think it needs to be based on the woman's feelings and conclusions she is drawing on the new boyfriend from the time they've spent together. Have they spoken about kids? What are his thoughts about children? Does he already have kids? What kind of disposition does he have? These are just a few of the questions a women needs to be considering. It's really all based on how she feels about him and the kind of person he is.”

J.R. from Los Angeles, CA: "My experience is with my ex wife who had 2 kids when I married her. I met her kids after a month of dating. I think a person can meet the kids once you''ve established relationship parameters with your significant other and the person should be introduced to the kids as a friend"

Dione, a single father from Lawrenceville, GA, said: “I guess the answer to your question is this: I do not see a reason for any woman to meet my children, unless we are looking at embarking on a long term relationship and possibly marriage. As a responsible adult, your actions are viewed and noted by those who emulate you, your children. Your actions act as their moral compass for when you are not there to answer questions. They will rely on what they have been exposed to in their past. I hold myself accountable for the type of people my children develop into."

As parents, we can guide and direct up to a point. if we have done our part, our children stand a better chance of stable moral and ethical base from which to make sound decisions.” I highly recommend holding off introducing your child(ren) to the new man in your life until you are sure that this man will be in your life for a long time and is marriage material. If not, you will only set your child(ren) up for disappointment. If you know this is not a person you want to be in a relationship with or have a future with then leave the children out of it.

Basically keep it simple, don’t complicate things by getting the child(ren) involved. Children are very impressionable and very trusting so if you’re not sure the person you are dating is the “one” then don’t introduce your child(ren) to him until you know he is the “one”. And if he is not the “one”, then you saved your child(ren) disappointment and you can put your mind at ease knowing you didn’t make an error in judgment by introducing your child(ren) to this person who is no longer in your life.

Food for thought. I'm just saying!!

C Double R! Special Guest on The Dedan Tolbert Show

If you missed this hot show please click the link and listen to C Double R! keeping it real on The Dedan Tolbert Show!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dedantolbert/2010/06/03/the-dedan-tolbert-show-weeknights-at-900pm-est